Hieronymus
Posted on 19. Nov, 2009 by Hieronymus in Oplan Pepe
Losing My Religion
I began questioning my religion in high school. And lost it in college. I remained an agnostic for 20 years after that, and later, in my readings, on diverse subjects (the sciences, history, biographies, literature, philosophy), I happened by a book by a famous biblical scholar (JD Crossan). It was as if I had discovered the man behind the Jesus myth, and it was quite inspiring-almost like meeting Jesus again, but for the first time. This inspired me to try and see how lived (versus believed) Christianity might be. And so after 20 years of agnosticism, I re-joined a church (the Anglican/Episcopal Church).
The beauty of its liturgical style, and the intelligence of the way they approached their faith swept me along for about 3 years. While I participated in the services and dabbled in bible study, I never for once believed in the divinity of Jesus, though I thought I would open up my mind (and heart) to the possibility of God. Of course, I did not have in mind a concept of God as a person, but as an ultimate reality. So when I prayed with them, it was for me a symbolic act of attempting to connect with the “All-ness” of reality (whatever that might mean), rather than communication with a divine being or person. Plus the beauty of their liturgy helped me as almost a form of practical (or ritual) meditation.
That didn’t last long, because sooner or later it became difficult to go on fraternizing with people who felt “one-with-you” in spirit, when I couldn’t very well return the favor- I was not a “Christian” in their sense, but only in my own private, and thoroughly off-synch sort of way– which really wasn’t Christian at all.
I found that, at the end of the day, belonging to a church meant sharing a FAITH–believing in something was the point of it all. So while I thought that the revolutionary program and spirit of Jesus was what was significant, they felt that believing incredible claims about him was the whole point of church membership and fellowship. But I didn’t come to that glaring realization on my own. It took an honest conversation with my wife, who was an emerging atheist, to snap me out of church and back to reality!
So I left the church again. This time I was able to admit to myself that I was an atheist, and shed the label of agnostic.
[Image by Hans Musil]